Shame and Guilt Beyond Imagination
Wouldn't life be a lot easier if we didn't feel guilt for things? Some people don't feel guilt. This is how they are able to lie, cheat, steal, even kill. To think, I'm saying to myself that crazy killers must have it easy. But it's true, isn't it? For a person with no conscience, killing another human being must be incredibly easy.

I have made a lot of mistakes recently. I have hurt a lot of people. I must say, I am probably about the most depressed I've been in as far as I can remember.

I am going to be saying some scary things here. But I need everyone to realize that these were mild, far-away, gray images that crossed my mind, not something I would ever carry out or follow through.

But...

...I fantasized about brushing up against death.

I played with the idea of hurting myself. I've never done such a thing. Real physical pain isn't actually something I want to inflict upon myself. I couldn't ever do it. But, I remember thinking, "That really would be the easy way out, wouldn't it?" Of course, that goes against absolutely everything I stand for. You can't cheat out on life. People get by on much worse. What right does emo high school boy down the street have to slit his wrists? It always made me so angry.

But I pictured it in my head. Maybe just one cut. Or maybe if I jumped off of something kind of high and broke a limb.

It's not because I wanted to feel pain. It's because I honestly thought I deserved it.

The things I've written about people.
The things I've promised people.
The things I've taken for granted about people.

This week, the nights have become increasingly longer, and my sleep has become increasingly shortened. I toss and turn, practically squirming under a ten ton boulder of guilt. I'm utterly ashamed at the person I've become. I look in the mirror, and I don't know me. On the outside I see something I kind of once wanted to be - I became fun and popular and finally grew into a body I liked well enough outside of the acne. But I felt like a completely different person on the inside. Inside, I felt like I was rotting fruit, hovered by flies.

I can think of at least five people this is an apology to, some more than others, but all of whom are equally as important.

It's true, though, I've never wanted to give up more in my life. Now, that doesn't mean give up on "living". It does, however, mean give up on trying or pretending or whatever with people. I don't even want to take the chance of hurting or misleading others anymore. I don't know what needs to change, but something needs to change immediately, because I'm utterly miserable. That's nobody's fault but my own, I know that. I've been saying that over and over again. And I keep hearing, "It's okay. I'm not mad. It will be fine. I forgive you." But I think, How can it ever be fine? I can't so easily forgive myself. How can you?

I deserved the slaps in the face today. It was a wake-up to reality. And the reality was that I was completely oblivious to the destruction I was causing.

I hope that tomorrow will really be the determining factor. When I wake up, what will happen? Will life be different? Can I change for the better? And how do I do it? Do I rely on the others, or do I need to do it all alone...?