MarzGurl's Life of Rage (no, really!)

4:09pm: She's gonna take you back to the past...
LiveJournal, much like MySpace, seems to be this amazing sort of time capsule. You go back and look at all these ancient entries, not just from yourself but from your past and current friends, and it's like suddenly everything has this whole new found meaning. Finally, after all these years, you have all the pieces of information you could have maybe used back in the day. You've already learned what was going on. But then, looking back at it, all the hints were right there. You feel stupid for not having figured out parts of life and social structure sooner. Sometimes you even get a sense that someone may have been crying out for something, but you were so clueless at the time that there was nothing you could do. Everything was so cryptic then. And it's tremendously frustrating, because you can still look back at these entries that are years and years and years old, and you can see you can still leave a comment on them. It's like part of you screams, "Past-You! I'm here now! Let me leave a comment now and help you! Let me tell you I understand now!" But it's pointless. Because even though you can still leave a comment on an entry posted in 2006, it doesn't matter because your comment still won't show up for another six years.

I hate phrases like, "Hindsight is 20/20." But, good lord, is it true. It's so crazy, how I can look back on old entries and have a whole new swelling of emotions to go along with them. Anger, pain, jealousy, and lingering fondness for nostalgic memories. They're emotions that I had no idea I'd be having all these years later. And it's like there's nothing you can do about them, either, because what good is it going to do you to get mad at journal entries that are so many years old? Are you going to yell at yourself for it? At your loved ones? For something years and years old? I'm sure there's certain situations where that would be relevant, but for most silly LJ situations, no, there's nothing you can do.

Some people might get embarrassed by their older entries, from when they feel like they may not have grown up nearly enough yet. Aside from what my family has asked me to do with my journal, I actually think it's important to share how completely immature I once was. Come on, I was a kid when I started writing on LiveJournal. This was more than eight years ago now. I was so obviously a child then. Legally, no, I was an 18-year-old adult. But mentally? Oh, yeah, I was an infant. I think being able to so specifically see this growth not just in oneself but in others around you and in your relationships with them is incredibly fascinating. Preservation of this information, in personal opinion, is incredibly important. It really is true, you can learn so much from the past.

Fascinating.

1:27am: To force myself to be comfortable where I'm not.
For years and years and years, I'd been just another wandering member of this community, here in the Texas anime convention circuit. I'd mostly worked as staff or a member of press or a panelist or what have you. Occasionally, I'd go in costume, as I still somewhat do.


I'd gotten to meet many, many people over the years. Well, they were all people that I was mildly acquainted with. They were people I never got the opportunity to sit down and talk with. Why was that? We were all always in the same places at the same times. Some people did some really nice things for me over the years. I wonder if I ever properly said "Thank you" for that.


To me, cosplay is extremely casual. I only really do a costume if I find myself particularly attached emotionally to a character or a title for some reason. That's why many of my costumes are few and far between. As far as construction is concerned, I'm not fantastic at it. It takes me forever to do the simplest tasks, and I'm just proud that these things get done at all.


So many of the people that still remain in the Texas con circuit... they're so much better than I am and far more involved. If you were to call my level of interest in cosplay a "hobby", then you would put these other individuals somewhere between appreciating it as a hobby and making it a full-on second job. Please understand, of course, that that's a positive way for me to be phrasing it, and that I'm not knocking it in any way.


In any case, due to recent circumstances, I find that I'm more than likely going to be involved in these circles a little more frequently than I previously had over the past 7 years. And quite frankly, it's a mildly uncomfortable situation. It's so difficult, because these are people I'm familiar with, and yet I've never taken the time to just sit down with them and learn about them, nor them me. All I know them for is for their costuming, and their capabilities and their involvement in the hobby is so above and beyond mine that I feel incredibly lost. I am well aware that I come off as an incredible wallflower. Despite the fact that I've put myself out there publicly for years, what with my job as a video producer and all, I am absolutely terrible at sparking conversation, especially with people that I don't strongly feel I have something in common with to begin with. I have strange irrational fears of talking to people, and my discomfort causes me to clam up when I'm well aware that I don't have anything to be concerned with at all. I suppose it doesn't help that the only reason why I'm in on the cusp of the group to begin with is because of someone else, who already is and has been in on the circle for quite some time, and while they're off paying attention to one another, it makes me feel like my job is made that much more difficult, and there I am standing off to the side with nothing to say and no means of just jumping right in. I don't expect anyone to necessarily make any effort to attempt to approach or include me. It would be nice. But to expect that would be sort of hypocritical, right? Why should I expect that when I find myself having such a difficult time doing so?


Basically, what I'm saying is, I want to find ways to break out of my comfort zone. I really do. Until then, I know very well that I come off appearing incredibly cold, which is actually the complete opposite of what I want to be doing. I don't entirely know what I need to do to get there. But I'm pretty uncomfortable with feeling uncomfortable, if you catch my meaning.


There's work to be done.

1:02am: Times of Change
Time waits for no man, time marches on, etc.

I've come to several staggering realizations about myself as of late, and it's had me very worried. Actually, truth be told, they were all realizations that I'd had for quite some time - a year, two maybe even - but I refused to accept them. Every time I thought about it, every time I questioned where I was in my life, I thought I was a horrible person. But it's only been within this last month or so that whether I physically stayed where I was or not, my heart had already bolted out the door quite some time ago. Perhaps that's what makes it all the worse. Maybe I'm worse now for having waited so long to realize what I should have realized all that time ago.

But I can't wait around forever. I have to finally step out of my comfort zone. I have to do what I want to do, no restrictions, no limitations.

Sooner or later, by the end of this year, I'm not going to be living in this apartment anymore, and life will finally be on my own. I think for a long time I was afraid. That whole doing it all by myself thing seemed really daunting. But I thought about it from two different perspectives. While living in Japan in 2008, I was basically on my own then, wasn't I? And I was happy, really happy. I mean, aside from having lost my passport and all my money and not knowing when I was going to eat or if I was going to be stopped by a police officer and get deported, yeah, I mean, you know, other than all that. After all, those issues all eventually got resolved. But I was living in a small, clean, tidy dormitory, and I was enjoying it. And anyway, I had good friends that I saw daily. I was alone, but was I really? Even now, thinking about it from another perspective, I've come to some rather shocking revelations. All this time, I feel like I was so blind. I was blinded by fears and worries and confusions. But now, I think I'm thinking clearly enough to see through all that. And what I've found was something I've had all along. There are people who are there for me, who have ALWAYS been there for me, and I was too dumb to ever see it, until now. All these years, I didn't appreciate it as fully as I should have. I feel I've taken quite a number of things for granted. I'm never going to make that mistake ever again. Suddenly, this has become shockingly more important than I could have previously imagined.

While I'm nervous for the changes the future brings, I've found that I am surprisingly excited to greet the coming day, every day now. It's been ages since I've felt that way. For years I felt really hollow, like I just lived every day of my life, one day to the next, with only the occasional convention trip to break up the monotony. But I've had an adventure every day lately. I'm not bored yet. And I can't see an immediate future where I am going to get bored. There's too much out there in this world to do. And with excellent company, even the smallest things you'd have never cared to do before suddenly become a total blast. It's like all the little things you would have normally overlooked have suddenly become fresh and exciting and new. I want to keep going like that. I don't want living life to get stale, as it has these last couple of years.

I really feel different. That's not an over exaggeration. On the whole, aside from being afraid of things, I feel happily different. I'd like to say I saw little hints of it all occasionally trying to get my attention months ago. But it's taken all this time, and suddenly exploded into what I wanted the whole time.

Time waits for no man. But at the same time, I think I'm done waiting for time.

1:49pm: Constants
Hello, LiveJournal. Good to see you again.

Actually, what is it that brought me back to LJ for so long?

I have marzgurlproductions.com, of course. I update that frequently. Every week or so, actually, when I have a new video released. But really, that's not the home of my particularly personal thoughts. This place had been the home for that sort of thing for years and years. I guess as the Internet became my job, I found myself having less and less time to return to this place. I suppose, really, it's kind of like growing up. You're supposed to grow up, leave the comfort of the nest, and then branch out into other places. But truth be told, there's really no place like home. Right?

I always loved to write. In grade school and on up, I frequently would write for projects, be they short stories or essays or what have you. I won a lot of awards then. I never really pursued that stuff, though. I think I use a lot of writing now anyway. When I prepare a video, I basically have to write a really in-depth essay first. It's a lot like writing an article, except after the article is written, I either have to record my own audio or video afterward, and then edit all of that together. It's exactly like writing an article, except there's a little more work to be done after that.

Well, I guess all of my writing became my job. I rarely take a break to write for myself anymore. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. Every so often, I get really frustrated or concerned over something, and then I sit down with a pen and paper and start writing. It kind of gives me a better-formatted and organized way of interacting with how I'm feeling. Otherwise, it all just kind of sits up in my head in a jumbled mess. Then, of course, I get embarrassed at what I've written, and then I destroy it.

Basically, this means that a lot of my private life no longer sits bare out in public. I used to be proud that I could do that. But now, actually, I think I'm a little too infamous to do that. I think I used to do it because I was certain that most people didn't really know who I was. So it didn't matter what I said back then. But it's different now.

Many followers of TGWTG personalities may know about how Linkara introduced his girlfriend Iron Liz to us. I remember thinking, "That's great for the both of them. But could I ever really publicly do something similar to what they did? What if something ever goes sour between them? Won't that be public knowledge? Won't that be hard?" Quite luckily, if there've been any hardships for them, it's not been made public.

But Spoony wasn't so lucky. Just recently, maybe within the last week or two, Spoony announced that he and Scarlett had broken up after two and a half years. But it blows my mind - how hard must that be on the both of them? I don't care what the circumstances were. After a long period of time, that's hard. That's so hard. But they were very publicly involved with one another. She maintained and moderated his web site and forums and everything, which is now no longer the case, of course. And since Spoony is a far larger Internet personality than I am, his tribulations are widely known. They're so widely known that, of course, those who find that they don't like Spoony used this as an incredible opportunity to kick him while he's down. Now, of course, this is the Internet. Trolls will find you and will do anything to break your spirit just because they think it's funny. But a few days ago I found myself wrapped up in the immense sadness I felt by reading thousands of ill-wishing comments for this man, some of them so disturbing that, even though I know perfectly well what Internet trolls are capable of, it STILL left me shocked and the sort of things people can do. Us TGWTG personalities are, of course, well aware that it's foolish and unhealthy to wander over to places like Encyclopedia Dramatica, The Busy Street, and Dead Horse Interchange and begin reading the wildly spun stories about us, but I'll admit - I was weak, and I read, and I read, and I read. With this particular piece of drama, people were following it so closely, like it was someone they knew personally, like they were Internet sleuths trying to crack a mystery, and when they finally DID get a juicy piece of information they used it to spin poison the likes of which I'd never seen before. And they argue that it's okay to do because he didn't exactly keep his relationship private. And, for some reason, even though, again, I know that what trolls do shouldn't matter, it just totally broke my heart.

I don't think I could do it. I can't imagine having my love life be on public display like that. I commend Noah and Scarlett for continuing to go about their lives after everything. That's so hard. But I don't think I'd have the strength within myself to do it. I'd be reminded of it every day by some stranger, even if it's a stranger wishing me well. How do you do it? How do celebrities do it?

That's another thing. I frequently get asked, "What's it like to be an Internet celebrity." And I just think, me? A celebrity? By what stretch of the imagination? If anything, maybe I'm a bit infamous. But the word "celebrity" is a bit of a stretch. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to believe it. Or that I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds. It's weird, you know? It used to be that I was only kinda-sorta known within the Texas anime convention circuit, just because I made some stupid convention videos after the cons were over. Now look at me. I can barely step ten feet at a con without getting stopped by someone. I've been recognized in arcades, movie theaters, even the airport and the grocery store. And I guess I just kind of wonder, "What happened? What changed?" I mean, I know exactly what happened. I started producing videos that get featured on TGWTG. But it doesn't feel like I made a physical change. The only physical change you could say I made was dying my hair blue. But that was something I had wanted to do for years. In fact, I had scheduled the appointment to dye my hair for the first time just barely before I had decided to take on that Nostalgia Chick contest. I dare say, I think I'm still me, and I don't really think that TGWTG changed me terribly much. Well, maybe it has. It's made me a lot busier, that's for sure.

But even though I don't think I've changed, I suppose change is inevitable. There are some things that, after a while, you just sort of rely on. You expect there to be some kind of constant. You think, this is always going to be there, and it's never going to go away. And maybe that's why, even through all of the changes in the last couple of years, I was never afraid or too blown off course, because I thought life was good, and things were going to be the same forever. Boy, how our head likes to try to protect us. Because I should have known. There isn't a damn thing that remains constant, aside from God Himself. The rest of life? Well, even if you think someone is your solid rock, always has been, and always will be, that may not necessarily be the case. Humans are just that - human. And I suppose you can only put your faith in humans so far.

I suppose this means I need to put my faith elsewhere. Trust in my own abilities more, let God take over a little bit, etc. Or maybe, what it MAY mean, is that there are other people who have been there the whole time, and I was just too blind to notice before.

Either way, I guess what I'm saying is, things are going to change. And life is going to be hard. And things will surely hurt for a while. But because things are always changing, that definitely means that you aren't always going to hurt. It'll get better. I'm learning that, and I know I can get through. I can get by. And I guess I found out that there is help in the hands of others, more so than I ever really gave due credit for.

So, some things I just have to deal with on my own, outside of the public's prying eyes. Some things regarding family, friends, loved ones, those are all for me, until the time is right. But what that means is that I've saved some of the best things for the rest of you. I want to show the world nothing but smiles. I know I've not been the strongest person publicly before. But you remember what I said about constants not always being constant? I think it's time for a little change in my personality, too.

6:08pm: I was told that there was some random post by somebody that wasn't me. I don't even know how that happened, or what it even was. Whatever it was, it's gone now. Fine by me.

So. How are you guys? Good? Good. Alright, gonna fly.

6:57pm: I'm truly from another world.
Sometimes, I sit back, and I wonder what's wrong with everyone else aside from me. But when everybody else seems odd, isn't it really just me who's odd?

My ambitions, my desires, my motivations... I truly believe that I am one of the most motivated people I know. If there's something I don't know or I don't understand, I truly want to learn about it, and I don't want to just learn halfway about it. I want to know everything I can possibly know. I dive right in and I don't stop until my curiosity is quenched. When there's an activity I need to complete, I get started hard, and I'm passionate about it until the end. And if there's a trip to be planned, I'm the one who organizes it, plans every detail of it, and painstakingly put my heart and soul into coordinating transportation, room and board, etc. I'm very motivated, and I'm driven to do more things than many other people would try.

And that's exactly where the source of my irritation lies. I feel that, in my circle of acquaintances and in the grand scheme of the kind of "cliques" I fall into, I'm more motivated than anyone else I know. And so because of that, my ambitions leave others in the dust. It's happened more times than I can count. Someone will say to me, "You know what would be really awesome? If we did this one thing together. Man, that would be sooo sweet." And so my response is, "You're right! That WOULD be totally sweet! And it's completely doable! We should get started doing it!" And that's when the other individual shrinks into a ball, cowers back, and say, "Well, I don't know if I can... in fact... no, no, I can't." And I sit there with my jaw dropped to the floor thinking, "Why not? You're totally capable, maybe even more so than myself. What is there to lose?" And so the other individual will spout all kinds of reasons, but all I hear are excuses. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Each and every one of them.

I never understood what held each of them back. After all, I'm the one with the full-time job (two practically), bills, insurance, rent, gas, and car maintenance to pay. I have all kinds of monetary things getting in my way and a job that won't easily let me off the hook. But not only CAN I do it, but I WILL do it, if I am that impassioned about it. But everyone else? They live at home. Don't have cars of their own, or no car access at all, or no license. There's no bills to pay. No job that requires their attendance. Everything is handed to them on a silver platter. Now, I speak primarily of those who live in my region, of course. Anyone living in a city with mass transportation that actually FUNCTIONS is truly blessed. If I didn't have to pay to gas my car, maintain it, keep insurance on it, keep it registered, and keep it passing inspection, then I wouldn't. I'd ride a bus or a train any time anywhere every day. But cross that transportation excuse off the list, and it still sounds like a pile of garbage to me.

I often feel as though I'm everyone's mother. In order for my friends to come visit me, I often have to come and get them. If we're going out to eat, or to see a movie, or do some activity, I'm the expected car driver. Everyone else says, "I don't have gas money," or, "My insurance sticker is out". Geez, then why do you even own a car? I'm never invited to anyone else's home. If anyone asks, "Hey, do you want to get together?" and I say, "Sure," then they reply back with, "Okay, I'll be over in a bit." I can't remember the last time I wasn't the one playing host. I'll assume no one invites me over because they still live at home and they're embarrassed or something silly like that. You know what, we're all geeks, and my home is more embarrassing than any other I've seen in a while. It isn't clean, it smells, and there's not enough room for everyone who comes over sometimes.

So then why do they lack the motivation that I feel they should so readily have? It's my personal belief that there's something else going on that I don't get to hear about. Now, I can't begrudge a person for keeping parts of their lives to themselves. But some people... sheesh, I've known for years now, and still yet I'm allowed little knowledge of what they do outside of our circle. Sometimes knowing that hurts a little bit.

Or what about those that make plans, but they were empty from the start? That's probably the most painful of all. Someone who says, "Yes, we'll do this thing!" And then suddenly tell me at the last minute, "Sorry, kid, you're on your own." What's all that about? Where was the passion? Where was the fire? What more are they not telling me?

Is there fear somewhere? Am I simply fearless? Is everyone else afraid of what might be? What might be accomplished? Look at me. I've traveled overseas time and again. I'm perfectly fine. I've even lived overseas. I've loved it. I've adored it. I plan on leaving America as soon as possible. I'll live abroad, and I'll do all kinds of things I've never done before. I'll meet people and go places and eat foods and love life and make money while doing it.

Fear is what holds us back. Deciding you "can't" before you've ever even begun is terrible. A terrible, terrible crime. The truth is, it isn't that you "can't". It's that you "won't". You won't even begin. And that's saddening. More saddening than you can know.

I have my regrets. Most certainly, I do. I regret having done some things. But what if I'd never tried? The good by far outweighs the bad. What would I have rather done? Be trapped in my little home back out in Canyon Lake, TX, living with my parents, and never risking, never achieving? Sure, I'd always have a roof over my head. I'd always have food on the table in front of me. And I'd always be in beautiful scenery, surrounded by trees, hills, valleys, rivers, lakes, and wildlife. Yeah, and then what? Do that same thing over and over again? Marry a hill country man, have a few babies? Work every day? And then what? And then nothing, that's what. Maybe I'd buy a boat. Maybe I'd buy a big screen TV. But the fact remains that I'd just be there. Just sitting there. Repeating my daily events over and over again until one day I can't get up from my bed again, and then I die in the exact same place where I've been sitting for decades.

And so, being the one person with my kind of motivation is a lonely sort of living. I went to Japan on my own, lived on my own. And it was beautiful. I would not trade that experience for anything. But there was no one to share it with. No one to share my joy, and my passion. There was no one to cry to when things became difficult. There was no one else who wanted to try. And there never really has been anyone else. Just when I begin to think, you know. Just when I think I've gotten to know someone, anyone, who might have a passion for life an no fear of failure might have wanted to go on an adventure with me, it turns out that's not the case at all. And in the end, they were cowards, just like the rest.

I am running out of room for cowards in my life. If that is how you live, then I accept your choice. There are plenty others such as yourself. In fact, there are more of you out there than there are of me. But I'm afraid I can't live that way anymore.

What I want to offer instead is a look onto my world. If you cannot reach it yourself, if you cannot achieve it yourself, I want to at least be able to provide what I can. I want to write more, and I want to film more. I want to show a world unobtainable to others. I want to give back.

If there is anyone left in the world who shares my passion, please, I'm begging you, don't give up. Don't you dare ever give up on anything. Certainly not before it's begun. You do a disservice to yourself and to others around you. Please try. Please try before you say, "I couldn't possibly make it happen." If in the end you can't do it, then you've already succeeded. Because you tried.

So while I may sound cold...
...while I may seem cruel and callous in my choice of words...
...all I really want to do is inspire and beg that everyone only do their best.

And if there's something you look at from a distance,
and you wonder if it's at all obtainable,
make a leap for it
or else the next time you look for it,
you may have already lost that chance...

9:20am: What am I doing?
So, I haven't been back in a while. I wonder, did I get too big for LiveJournal's britches? I hope not.

You'll find I've been using Twitter for most of my daily postings. I don't really have enough to say in the long, large paragraphs I used to write over the years. I wish I could say that I did.

Well, I recently came back from trip 3 to Japan, which was quite awesome. I'll have video and pictures later. There's actually pictures on my Facebook, but I'll want to make a full album of my own at some point. Within that same trip was a trip to Reno, NV to work on the That Guy With The Glasses Year 2 Anniversary video. Expect big things out of that. Past that, I have tons of work to do on tons of videos.

In the mean time? Well... I buckled, and I purchased a PS3. Why? Because of Hokuto Musou (Fist of the North Star Dynasty Warriors). As of this writing, it's not yet been slated for a US release date, but it HAS been given a European release. Well, I really don't want the European release, because chances are more likely than not that Europe will bend over backward to meet Germany's censorship needs, and it'll become a watered-down product. So, I ended up purchasing the original Japanese release. And let me tell you, that game is AWESOME. So many characters to play as, so many Legendary modes to finish, so many chapters to play through! And all with a great rock soundtrack (I plan on picking it up eventually myself). It even includes a rock version of Ai Wo Toridomose (YOU wa SHOCK). I'll probably be playing the game for quite an extensive period of time.

Well, I WOULD be playing it all the time... but there've been important things happening in the family. It's putting an extra strain on me, but I would be foolish to say that the strain is all on me. Really, the strain is on another member of the family entirely. Anyway, I'm needed quite a bit lately, something I'm glad to be able to be there for. But I think that there will come a time when I'll have to take a break from work and videos and the like. I don't know how soon that day will come. But the whole Internet will probably know when I do.

Oh, speaking of work, this April marks two years I've been at my current call center job. I'm not exactly thrilled to still be there, but the pay and medical benefits are the thing keeping me around. I'd like to hope that videos will one day get me to a point where I can quit my job. It's getting there, but it's not quite there yet. Not to mention there were a few good weeks where I was gone and unable to release a video. This next paycheck from blip is going to be small in comparison to my last one. Too bad...

Anyway, people keep linking me to things people write about what I say and do. Sometimes I'm not sure if I appreciate that but I guess it comes with the territory. It used to make me feel really bad, but I think I've finally garnered the skin tough enough to handle what people send to me / say about me. You really have to. People will often ask me through E-mail or at anime conventions and such, "What do I need to do to do what you do?" Well, other than being dedicate to what you might consider a hobby and making it basically your JOB, you have to REALLY know that you have the guts to put yourself in front of the world and take the brunt of all of its anonymous criticism. Some people will see the hurtful comments out there and then just coward back and give up. That's totally fine. That just means you weren't meant to do that, and there must be something else similar you can do. But if you can take criticism head-on, then you're totally golden.

Anyway, there's family business to attend to, so I must be leaving. Take care, everyone.

3:49pm: I'm... dying!
Okay, so that's over-exaggerating. I most likely have strep throat. Consider this your one Too Much Information warning.

My throat feels very swollen. I cough not necessarily because of mucus, but because my throat is so swollen I'm just choking on it. I cough and cough and cough, and for the most part nothing comes loose. Last night I coughed so hard that I almost vomited. Not because I'm queasy but because I coughed so hard that it needed to bring SOMEthing up.

I left work early today. I couldn't keep working, talking to customers. I barely had the voice to do so. And I had to keep muting my microphone to stop and cough. It really hurt.

I'm glad to be home. But I'm sorry that I slept several hours in the middle of the day.

Hope to write more in update later.

7:31pm: "Hello? Are you there?"
Alright, I was just tweeting about this, but I really need to get this off my chest now.

This is to anyone who already does or is even THINKING about messaging me on any instant messenger programs.

I frequently leave my messengers open, even when I am not at my computer. I like to receive messages, and I always get back to people who have messaged me.

HOWEVER, I
hate
hate
hate
hate
HATE
when people leave messages like, "Hello?" "Are you there?" "Well?"

I mean, I'll admit, sometimes I just let the messages sit there for a while, but I do my best to get back to them. But it's TOTALLY unnecessary to poke and prod at my messengers. I mean, for the love of God, it's a MESSENGER. It isn't the phone. It's not like I picked up the phone to answer your call, and so I'm obviously there, ready and able to respond the instant I hear what you're saying. It's a MESSENGER. You leave me a message, I get it at some point, I respond. Sure, the message might have been SENT instantly, but that doesn't always mean it was RECEIVED instantly.

After all, I ALSO leave up AWAY MESSAGES, or in the instance of Skype, I say, "I leave Skype open all the time, even when I'm not around. I'm sorry if I've missed you. I'll catch you when I get back. Check my online status to determine whether or not I'm really "here"." But they don't pay attention to that either! I change my availability status, but that STILL doesn't seem to matter!

It's a messenger.

I'll see your message when I see it.

GEEZ.

3:04pm: Friends List Pruning
What a shame. I looked over my friends list and found that there were people who had removed me from their mutual friend list some time ago. I guess there's no point to following them anymore. So, I've removed them right back.

Too bad. I have memories of entries and conversations with those people. Really, a shame. :(

3:10pm: LiveJournal Sure is Slow Lately
I went and read my friends page a little while ago. It's sure slow and empty, compared to what it was one to two years ago. I still have all of those same old friends, but they don't update as much... if at all anymore. That's too bad, and yet, maybe it's better that way...? It's certainly easier to keep up with those who DO still update. Twitter to me has become the same kind of clutter my LiveJournal friends list used to be. I used to friend everybody who shared interest with me. I really can't do that anymore with Twitter. As of this blog, I'm closing in on 700 followers, I get new followers every day, and I just can't follow each one of them. That'd be crazy! I don't mind so much with LiveJournal, since it's being all but abandoned, so it's not nearly as crazy. But I'm leaving the hardcore friending/following to my MySpace account. However, I only friend people there who share my interests, or otherwise give me any reason to be friends with them. I sometimes feel a little bad, every day I get friends requests from someone on Facebook, but I've very much decided to leave Facebook as being a place for mostly people I have physically known, or other people I talk to frequently, or otherwise have business with. I've friended some other people, but it's rare. I posted that I wouldn't be friending everybody on my Facebook wall, but I guess that's since been buried, and maybe people don't see or know or understand that I'm not going to add them. I'm sorry, it's nothing personal. I never once thought it would get to this point, but my monkey-circle has gotten too big, and I quite simply can't include everyone in it. :(

In other news, I've been planning that next trip to Japan for a while now. I'm almost 100% positive that I'll be buying the plane ticket on this next pay check. I always get, like, the exact amount of money I need, and then the bills come, and I'm just a little under again. What the hell? Why can't I ever get past the tiny hurdle I need to be able to make it just to the next pay check after buying the ticket without dying? If I can just not give away my money to bills for one week I'd be good. I think I can do it... I really think I can! Now, to just not buy ANYthing and live on soup for two weeks...

I've slacked in my athletic routine. I had been doing Billy Blanks Tae Bo routines (SHUT UP!) and had actually noticed a difference since I had been performing the routine twice a day on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. But I've slacked, and I'm noticing the small roll on my abdomen reappear. Not that I think I'm fat, but rather that I want to PREVENT the fat from appearing. I'm still in normal BMI range, but I'm right at the edge of normal, threatening to spill over to overweight. I really want to prevent that.

I also want to prevent my acne. I ordered a new acne regiment from Neutregena. I had been doing THAT once in the morning and once at night, and I've slipped on that, also. I've been so busy that I've been slacking on some of the most important things. I'll try to start again today and be good about it. I think that if this doesn't work out, it might be a good idea to just man-up and go to the dermatologist again, and this time request information on Accutane. I'm almost 24, and my acne is just about as bad as it's ever been. Except now instead of being at my hair line (my forehead is completely clean somehow), it's my cheeks, upper lip, chin, and just underneath the jawbone that's getting it so hard every day. I really don't understand what's happened. And I don't understand why it hasn't shown any sign of dissipating. To add to being gross, it's always on my back, and sometimes on my chest, too. I think that if I were to work out and sweat some more, I'd find that I'd have less acne. Maybe if I'm just good enough about working out that'll solve both of my problems. Maybe. I just need to be more diligent.

Oh, and I want to take the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) next year. After looking at some sample routines, I am 100% positive that I could pass at least the lowest level of the JLPT. Currently, there are four levels. But next year, they're cranking it up to five levels. So... I MIGHT be able to pass the lowest TWO levels. But I don't have a clue how difficult the test will be. No one really knows. It makes me wonder if I should just wait another year. But, the tests are in December, and I'd have to wait two years. Maybe it's best if I just take the bottom-most level and not worry about the second-to-bottom. Or maybe I should just study so hard that I surpass what the recommendations are. Hard to say what's best now. Either way, I think I'm going to take one next December. Now, another problem is that the test doesn't take place in Texas at all. I could go to places like Seattle, Honolulu, Chicago, etc. to take the test. But there's no testing locations in Texas. I wonder where I should go...?

Ah, and I ALSO want to go to an upcoming Comiket. I don't know when this will happen. Most definitely not this upcoming December one, and almost certainly not next August, and almost just as certainly not the following December since I'll be going to take my JLPT that same month. I almost want to say that I'd like to go to Comiket in August 2011. I hate thinking that far in advance, but reality tells me I must. Dang, I'll be 25 - not a spring chicken, like the other cosplaying kiddos at that event! But, yeah, I want to cosplay. And if I go with a group, I want it to be a themed cosplay. And I want it to be the best quality it can possibly be. So, I was thinking, it'd be funny if the cosplay theme was "American Characters from anime/manga/video games". Get it? An American in Japan cosplaying as an American? DUR HUR! Anyway, I think it'd be a cute joke. There's some friends I'd really like to take along. I haven't really asked anybody yet. And, really, I need to finish thinking about this upcoming trip first, followed by all that JLPT stuff. But I think that by planning for Comiket 2011 I'm putting it far enough in advance that I think even my laziest and most hobo-ish of friends should be able to join me.

Anyway, I have a video to film and edit today. So much work to do!

3:25pm: Trying to write in Japanese daily.
Made a new LJ account solely to write in Japanese. I probably have a lot of errors, but that's what the practice is for. You can read it and/or friend it here - http://marzgurlnihongo.livejournal.com/

8:52pm: Fanfiction Authors... offended?
So, yeah, I've read a good amount of fanfiction lately... a lot of it regarding the That Guy With The Glasses crew. Surprisingly, these authors have quite the good English literacy, and paint a vivid picture of what they want to portray with their words. I wanted to start by saying that these authors have the potential to do great pieces of work on their own.

That having been said, it would appear that this tiny fandom is feeling quite distraught.

Links have appeared on our forums to some said entries, and the authors are panicking that Bennett the Sage will read aloud some of their work for the Internet to hear on an upcoming Masterpiece Fanfic Theater episode (highly likely at this point, considering Bennett said he'd be reading a fanfic that involves everyone at TGWTG).

One author has recently written out an explanation for herself and her group to preempt anyone arriving looking for horrifying TGWTG slash fiction. Honestly, in personal opinion, there should be no need for a fanfiction author to defend themselves, just as any fan art artist or AMV editor should not explain why they portrayed their art the way they did.

Well, allow me to actually first state personal opinions on the fictions, and ones I've been written into.

To me, they are harmless, although incredibly humorous. Especially since we all appear to always be in the same place at the same time or paired together in situations that quite obviously would never happen. Hey, it's called fan fiction for a reason, you know. I mean, think of it this way - the lot of us are scattered across the United States, and some of us across the world. Some can't drive. Most still live at home with their parents (Doug included, if I recall correctly). Some have no job other than the videos gig (which, believe you me, won't pay the bills UNLESS you're Doug). So, as you can see, getting to one other to begin with is... well... quite difficult. Then the pairings that occur in these things are the same sort of humorous pairings you get in any fandom. Rivals is suddenly a keyword for "secret butt-buddy", characters who never appear with one another suddenly have a great deal to do with one another, and so on. It's nothing unusual, and you can see it coming from a mile away. And while harmless, as you can imagine, as it relates so closely to me, while some scenes should probably feel more dramatic than they do, I find myself laughing a great deal, and then moving on. Obviously, it's just outrageous fiction.

Though, I think if names like "Spoony" and "Linkara" were replaced with names of characters of the author's own creation, it might suddenly be twice as serious to someone like me. But then, you risk the chance of no one wanting to read your piece, because you're building a story based on expecting your readers to already have an understanding of who the characters are and how they already behave.

But then... do you WANT it to be read by a mass audience?

Herein lies the question. Because it would appear that, while the authors make their fiction publicly available, they... DON'T want people to read it...? Or perhaps it's just that they don't want it spread around as though it's some kind of virus. That's understandable, though that wasn't quite what was stated. And the authors would rather we didn't know about their pieces. I'm sorry... I guess you're a little late for me. ^_^; All I'm saying is, it's very easy to make your entries private, among one another. That could be done, right? But surely, you want others to read it to a certain extent, or else you wouldn't make them public. For example, I'm completely not concerned about the things I write publicly. The only reason why I privatized my LiveJournal entries from years 2004 through 2006 was because it would appear that I offended my own parents enough that it needed to be done, as it was causing home-life turmoil ever since I left home. Honestly, I didn't personally care, and as you can see, I HAD left those entries public (and had been quite proud of how open to the public I've been) for a good five years. But there are some cases, such as my own, where the heat is on too much, and if it matters to you this much, you bite the bullet and privatize your entries.

So, I have to ask in this situation, what's more important? Being a part of this tiny niche group? Or letting the world read your work?

It's honestly a tough call. If you're all that embarrassed, it's probably a good idea to make the entries private and visible to your group alone. However, if you want your work to be seen, you'll need to understand one harsh reality -

Not everyone will be pleased with your work.

As with ALL of my work that I've ever initially posted, even if they were taken poorly by the mass public, I never removed them. I promise, I KNOW my work is not the best. I try to improve every day. But with each video I post there's always a select few who will say, "Why do you continue to make videos?" People will make personal jabs at me as a human being. They'll make fun of my acne, my voice, my looks overall. But I rest well knowing one thing.

This is the Internet.

When you make a work public, it's available to absolutely everyone around the world. My skin has taken years to toughen to its harsh reality, and sometimes I slip back into depression or feel personally injured. But then I remember, who do I make my work for? It's for the people who constantly DO come back for more, and most importantly, I do it for MYSELF.

So, just ask yourself one question.

Does writing what you do make you happy?

If it does, what does it matter who reads it? What does it matter what people think of it? I mean, I can promise someone will make fun of it. I can promise someone won't like it. And I can promise someone will be very loud about it. But now it's for you to decide.

Does their opinion even really matter?

12:12pm: Still not good enough.
OK, so 2005 isn't far back enough. Privatizing 2004 also per parental request.

Looks like I'm disowned at this point. Try and fix something and it's all wrong.

4:10pm: Privating Old Entries
Because of "shameful" things I wrote in my LiveJournal as much as five years ago, I am privating/friends-only-ing ALL of my 2005 and 2006 entries. I can't possibly get it all done in one night. Just working on January 2005 alone took me something like half an hour, and I can't seem to mass-friends-only these posts, or else I would.

All I have to say is, if anybody's Googling me and comes across what I have to say about my parents when I was, like 18, then don't F-ing judge my parents, judge me, the retarded, stubborn-headed, life-ruining daughter.

I don't THINK people are regularly reading that far back and assuming the worst about my family, but my mom and dad seem to think so, and they're none too pleased.

MY FAMILY IS WONDERFUL. FUCK OFF.

8:21pm: Guest appearance on The Big Bald Broadcast, Nov 12, 9 PM EST


Hi everyone!

I've been invited to chat it up with anime and gaming voice actor Kyle Hebert (possibly best known for his roles on Dragon Ball Z as The Announcer and The Great Saiyaman!) on his podcast known as The Big Bald Broadcast. I'll be appearing on November 12th, at 9 PM EST. So please come if you can! It's a podcast via Stickam where you can chat it up live and ask all kinds of questions.

http://www.thebigbaldbroadcast.com

This is exciting! I hope to see you there!

3:26pm: Only 3 days left of MarzGurl's Ebay Extravaganza! Includes old camera used in reviews!
Only 3 days left on my ebay sales, including the camera I've used up until now in all of my reviews!



http://myworld.ebay.com/marzgurl/



Watch my video about the sales here -

2:13pm: VIDEO: Adaptation Terrors of Mutant Turtles
My newest video is uploaded and will be featured on TGWTG later today. You can watch it RIGHT NOW, however, right here:

http://www.blip.tv/file/2684722/

4:59pm: Devious Journal Entry

MarzGurl fsjal by ~MarzGurl on deviantART

10:01am: Here I Am (Rock You Like A Hurricane?)
So, okay, I'm going to try working on my LiveJournal again.  Part of the reason why I hadn't been updating my LiveJournal is because LJ has been blocked at work.  I had been aiming for a long time NOT to upgrade to LiveJournal PLUS because I always said I didn't want adds in my journal if it could be avoided.  Well, I think I've gotten to a point where it can't be avoided.  As strange as it may sound, I don't really have time to update my LJ while at HOME, and have more time to do it while at WORK.  Upgrading to PLUS allows me to post to LJ via my E-mail, which is convenient for me.  I had been using Twitter for a long time to make little updates because, hey, at least it was accessable while at work.  But really, I much prefer a blog.

For those of you who are really just catching me over here at LJ and have found me through ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, welcome.  You're going to find my tripe rather boring.  This journal has been here for over five years now, and is mostly personal babble.  You're welcome to read back over the course of those five years, but I think you'll find that I was rather childish, unfun, and plainly annoying in nature.  You've been warned.  Perhaps it's best that you just start reading forward from here and don't look back...?  ^_^;  I think my personality has greatly changed, and I think I am a different person than I was five years ago, or even a little over a year ago.  If you're looking for something a little more... eh... fun? or more professional? then you may want to look into my latest WordPress blog: http://marzgurl.wordpress.com/  I'm considering turning the WordPress site into a sort of centralized location for all of my nternet-related
things.  There's also my Twitter, which everyone seems to think of as some kind of stupid MarzGurl news ticker, but anyway: http://www.twitter.com/MarzGurl

Well... do I really have any news to report?  I have been battling some severe depression recently.  I have not taken any medications for it, and I do not plan to do so, because it is my firm belief that most depression can be cured just by being in the right place with the right people, and no amount of medication could replace that.  When I'm in atmospheres like that, all of my troubles disappear.  But I drop into sadness pretty quickly afterward when I'm not there.  I don't know when or if I will ever be fully cured.  But I will keep struggling to get to that point.  I hope I can make it.

I've applied to take classes at the University of Phoenix online.  I will PROBABLY get accepted.  I'm sure it would be hard not to be.  Despite all my other desires, I think I'm going to go for a teaching degree.  The reason I say this is because I've really decided that I want to move my life to Japan one day (as weeaboo as that sounds).  But I'll need security once I get there.  And so I will want to be certified in teaching English.  That way I can maximize the cash inflow once I get to that point.  Quite obviously, I am planning for the long run.  As nice as it would be to just pack up and go, I am not unrealistic, and I know that going right away would be dumber than dumb.  Later on, I DO still want to do mass communication, or journalism, something that will help me do what I'm essentially already doing with TGWTG now.  But teachers will always have jobs all over the world.  I will always have something to fall back on.  It's funny,
that's what my parents always told me, and I always was just kinda, "Meh," but now I suddenly feel DRIVEN to get that security taken care of.  Due to having very little money and not being able to take out a loan to save my life, I will probably be nearly DEAD by the time I get a degree in ANYthing, but knowing I'm working at it makes me feel a little better.

I'm working on new video projects.  I'm running into all kinds of problems.  I want good quality audio and video.  But the biggest problem is the camera.  It's TERRIBLE!  I was told that the video producers for TGWTG might be given a care package with some new equipment, and that I should hold off on buying something new, but I haven't seen that just yet.  I'm feeling a little discouraged.  Other than my incredibly stiff personality on camera, these audio and video problems are a lot of the biggest complaints I see.  What do do?  I need money to get a new camera, I think.  That's all there is to it.  I want my videos to make me money.  But Blip only pays quarterly, meaning I still need my full time job.  And since I have a full time job, that means less time to work on videos.  This is counter-productive, and backwards from what I WANT to be doing.  I want the videos to be my full-time job.  What to do?  I need money to make videos...

So, I've been making some ebay sales.  Here's my current listings: http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/marzgurl_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_ipgZ25
There's some yaoi, some anime, some plushies, some gaming-related stuff in there... the Mario plush and the DS NERF case are the hottest items right now!  ~_^  If anyone can give these items a good home, I'd really appreciate the extra help.  There's less than a day left on these items, so bid please!  I'll have some others going up in the future, too, so keep an eye out for more sales.  I'll always notify the public of what goes up there.

I'm not certain of any more conventions I'm going to this year.  I've already attended Ikkicon, KamiKazeCon, and the ScrewAttack Gaming Convention.  I'll also be attending the Penny Arcade Expo in September, making that my first out-of-state conventinon trip.  If any of you readers will be there, I'd really like to be in some friendly company!

Well... basically I just want to become the best online content producer I can possibly be.  I want to be entertaining and informative.  I want to move away from comedic reviews.  I'm not comedy, and I'm not an actor.  I'm totally not good at that.  I want to talk about more conventions, be more pro at it than I used to be.  Maybe comment on some news?  Maybe that's what TGWTG needs... some animation news.  I don't know.  Last thing I want to do is create content that appears unoriginal.  If anyone has any ideas they wouldn't mind passing along my way, I'd actually really appreciate it.

Still waiting on the team over at ScrewAttack to give me information on the arrival of my arcade cabinet.  I'm hesitant to contact them and bother them.  But I won that machine fair and square, right?  I'm just hesitant...

Thanks for reading after so long, you guys.  Take care!

9:13pm: Oh, hello LJ. How have you been?

11:43am: I want to be better
I want to be better about my updates, like I used to be. Time to try again.

2:12am: ScrewAttack Gaming Convention
Basic details:

When: July 3 - 5, 2009
Where: Westin Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport
Finally, the change I needed in my convention schedule. Games, games, games!

Go here for details and to register: http://www.sgconvention.com/register.php?ref=MarzGurl

Yes, that's my referral link. But, in all seriousness, this is gonna be great. Can't wait for further updates.

Oh, and by the way, I'm back from the dead, guys.

11:59pm: Dear Almost All of my Friends
"TRUE LIFE: I'M STUCK AT HOME
Are you at the age where everyone has left their parents' house but you're still living at home? Do you like the idea that your mom still cooks and does your laundry, or are you ready to take that on yourself, but you can't figure out how to get out of the nest? Do your parents nag you to get a place of your own, but you can't, or just don't see the point? Are they about to cut you off or kick you out? Or do you have a significant other who wants you to get a place of your own at last?

Conversely, are your parents refusing to let you move out? Do you feel that you are an adult and able to leave, but worry about offending your family by leaving home?

If you appear to be between the ages of 20 and 28, and can identify with any of the above email us at leavehome@mtvn.com with all of the details. Please be sure to include your name, location, phone number, and a recent photo."


JUST DRIVE YOUR OWN CARS OR SOMETHING!

10:39pm: So, what's goin' on, guys?